Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
