Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
