Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
