i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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