Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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