remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
