I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
