I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
