Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
