my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
