she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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