somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize