I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
