Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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