I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
