WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
pop tarts are not kleenex
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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