I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
