i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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