Can i not drive my cunt home
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
