she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
