I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
