You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
