oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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