i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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