Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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