i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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