Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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