if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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