Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Randomize
