is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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