I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
