genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
