i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
