Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
