I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
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