How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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