Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
