Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
