I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
you're hired as official boob wrangler
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
