when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
