I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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