while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
