I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
