I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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