Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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