Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
