paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
