And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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