SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
