I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
