If i come over, it means nothing
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
