can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
